Ultimate Shotgun Wedding Checklist

Sometime within the famous 12 days we had to plan our wedding, once the chaos had subsided to the effect that I could spend a few minutes poking around the internets ("How does this wedding stuff work?"), I came across these wedding checklists. I read the first couple lines of the first one I saw, showed it to Steve and we both burst into laughter. Then we decided that later, after it is all done, we'd have some fun with it, take one of these and adapt it to how our wedding worked, for a "shotgun wedding checklist". (No, I am not pregnant. Enough people asked me, believe me. But 12 days is 12 days, so we think we had some shotgun-wedding-ish elements to it.)

Disclaimer: I do not mean to sneer at people who wanted and had the big elaborate wedding. The fun I am having with this is mainly about the discrepancy between how obsessively one could go about planning one's wedding and how it happened for us. And a little bit about those checklists themselves.

So, this (somewhat shortened) beauty is from a website that ironically invokes simplicity in its name. And perhaps it's not even that ironic, since it's not a monster with multiple inter-linked sub-checklists. It is neither complete nor consistent, and by far not the most extravagant one out there (others suggest you "start your fitness and diet plan" 18 months before and "get a spray tan" a week before). It is directed exclusively at the bride and sorely lacking anything to do with the groom, but as odd as I thought that was at first, it actually seems to be pretty standard. Browsing through anything wedding related on the interwebs, there seems to be no particular expectation that men have a say in any of this, or that the groom is even an independently thinking agent (as evidenced by list items like "Get your groom to choose a Best Man"). But I digress. This shall not be a social rant.


Enjoy:

Ultimate Shotgun Wedding Planning Checklist

To plan the perfect an adequate and dignified celebration, use this comprehensive wedding checklist, with a timeline based on the 168-month day length of the average U.S. engagement. 

Luckily already taken care of

• Procured legalized, embassy-stamped birth certificate from Canada (the whole procedure took about two months).

Sixteen to Nine Months Days Before

• Book your officiant. Called ALL Viennese registrar's offices, to find that none of them can do it on time. Called Admont:"any odd time, when would you like?"  
• Found that the legalized and embassy-stamped birth certificate from Canada needs to be translated into German and the translation legalized. Ran through Vienna for a day in a mission to get that done IMMEDIATELY, succeeded against all expectations.
• Reserve your date and venues. Picked next Saturday, perhaps the parents are in town, too, wouldn't that be nice! Default venue (town hall, looks nice enough!).
  
• Finalized date, proudly supplying all paperwork. Realized there is now a wedding to plan.

• Obtained marriage license equivalent from American embassy in Austria.
• Start a wedding folder or binder. Begin leafing through bridal, lifestyle, fashion, gardening, design, and food magazines for inspiration. Scribbled to-do list on random sheet of paper.
• Work out Spent a split second thinking about the budget. There's only so much money you can spend in 16 days. It'll work itself out somehow.
• Pick your wedding party. As soon as you’re engaged, people will start wondering who’s in. Called key people, asked them whether they're free next weekend. Waited two hours for the news to sink in and them changing their original plans. Conveniently, this automatically covered organizing music for the ceremony.
• Start the guest list. Make a head count database to use in my head (or is that not why it's called a headcount?) throughout your planning process, with columns for contact info, RSVPs, gifts (???), and any other relevant information Are they coming by car or by train? Want to keep costs low? It may be brutal, but the best way to do it is to reduce your guest list. - Done! With ruthless brutality!
• Hire a planner, if desired. A planner will have relationships with—and insights about—vendors. Parents want to plan a reception and are positive they don't need anybody's help. Excellent!
• Research photographers My parents didn't have professional photos of their wedding. I didn't notice until now and am pretty sure that was not what ended their marriage., bands what my family cannot play themselves won't happen, florists Luckily, there is only one in Admont, and caterers restaurants make life a lot easier. Keep their contact information in your binder.
• Throw an engagement party

Eight Months Days Before

• Walked into jeweler's store, got crash-course in ring-buying. Radically reduced choice of rings by ditching the diamond. Insisted on both having the exact same ring to further limit choice. Narrowed it down to two or three options, walked into exactly 3 more jeweler's stores the next day, asked for the exact same thing, whether they could do it given the time constraint, and their price. Picked best offer. 
• Hire the photographer  Thought about who could be taking photos and the videographer My camera video function can handle this. 
• Book the  entertainment. Attend gigs of potential acts to see how they perform in front of audiences, then reserve your favorite. Family string quartet.
• Meet caterers. Hire the service this month or early next.
• Purchase a dress. Whoever invented traditional dresses is a genius! "Something old" taken care of, too! You’ll need to schedule time for at least three fittings. It has become a little narrow…asked mom whether the seamstress is in town next week Veil shopping can be postponed for another two to three months. Asked my grandmother to organize a traditional wreath.
• Reserve a block of hotel rooms for out-of-town guests. Pick three hotels at different price points close to the reception venue. Called parents, they've got it under control.
• Register. Sign up at a minimum of three retailers. Least of our worries. We don't even really have an apartment. We'll figure it out later.
 
• Launch a wedding website. Note the date of the wedding, travel information, and accommodations. Then send the link to invitees. Phonecalls

Seven to Six Months Days Before

• Select and purchase invitations. Hire a calligrapher, if desired.  More phonecalls.
• Start planning a honeymoon. Booked flight to first cool destination just outside the Schengen zone that we could think of Make sure that your passports are up-to-date wish Steve's sister had a valid passport...  and schedule doctors’ appointments for any shots you may need. Last time we checked, yellow fever was not a big issue in the UK
• Shop for bridesmaids’ dresses. Allow at least six months for the dresses to be ordered and sized. Even if we had that custom over here, I would NEVER impose a dress on ANYONE!
• Meet with phoned the officiant. Map out the ceremony and confirm that you have all the official documents for the wedding. E-mailed registrar a little "bio" of our relationship so she understands why the rush and so her speech is not entirely generic. Otherwise, relied on the standard program. It's designed to work. WAAAYYY ahead on the documents!
• Send save-the-date cards. 
• Reserve structural and electrical necessities. Book portable toilets for outdoor events, extra chairs if you need them, lighting components, and so on.
• Book a florist. Choose flowers for your wedding. Tulips were in season and I like them. Florists can serve multiple clients on one day, which is why you can wait a little longer to engage one. Plus, at this point, you’ll be firm on what your wedding palette will be. Turned out we had a palette in the end. It was called "happy color mix" with an entirely accidental emphasis on blue and red. 
• Arrange Thought about transportation. Consider limos, minibuses, trolleys, and town cars.  5 cars * 5 people = 25, we'll be something like 15, we're in the clear. Double-checked that grandparents have a viable travel plan.
• Start composing a day-of timeline. Draw up a schedule of the event and slot in each component (the cake-cutting, the first dance).
  

Five to Four Months Days Before

• Reserved room in Admont for Steve's brother who just booked his flight, let parents know about extra person.
• Book the rehearsal and rehearsal-dinner venues. Negotiate the cost and the menu. If you’re planning to host a day-after brunch for guests, book that place as well. Looks like the breakfast at that inn is decent.
• Check on the wedding invitations. Ask the stationer for samples of the finished invitations and revise them to suit your needs. Related link: Wedding Invitation Etiquette There's probably something terribly wrong with inviting people by phone, but too late now.
• Select and order the cake Asked parents about menu, notice missing dessert and found out they'll bake a Torte each! Some bakers require a long lead time. Attend several tastings before committing to any baker. 
• Send your guest list to the host of your shower. Provided you, ahem, know about the shower.
• Purchase wedding shoes, the breathless horror and disgust and start dress fittings. I HATE buying shoes. The concert shoes will do.
• Schedule hair Looked into mirror. Got haircut the next day. and makeup artists. Make a few appointments with local experts to try them out. Snap a photo at each so you can compare results. If he won't marry me without makeup, good riddance.
• Choose your music. What should be playing when the wedding party is announced? I am GLAD I don't know everything! During dinner? To kick off the dancing? (Dancing…now THAT I am a tiny, tiny bit wistful about… I danced at so many weddings, with happy enthusiasm, but no dancing at my own…) Keep a running list of what you want—and do not want—played.

Three Months Days Before

• Finalize the menu and flowers Called flower shop, ordered bouquet. You’ll want to wait until now to see what will be available, since food and flowers are affected by season. Can safely say, no danger of seasonal changes here
• Order favors, if desired. If you’re planning to have welcome baskets for out-of-town guests, plan those now too.  Looks like we were quite rude to our guests!
• Make a list of the people giving toasts. Ask them now. These things fall into place.
• Finalize the readings. Determine what you would like to have read at the ceremony—and whom you wish to do the readings. Relied on standard ceremony.
• Purchase your undergarments Took a couple hours off work for that. Excellent excuse! And schedule your second fitting. Finalize the order of the ceremony and the reception. It's all falling into place quite neatly. Lunch at my dad's, coffee, then we'll get married, with three music pieces at the obvious entrance, ring exchange and exit, then we'll have a toast in the townhall, then we'll drive to the inn to have dinner. Any more questions?
• Print menu cards, if you like, as well as programs. No need to go to a printer, if that’s not in your budget: You can easily create these on your computer.
• Purchase the rings. This will give you time for resizing and engraving. Engraving was no problem in 5 days, with standard fonts. Resizing can be done later, if needed.
• Send your event schedule to the vendors. Giving them a first draft now allows ample time for tweaks and feedback.

Two Months Days Before

• Touch base again with all the vendors.Make sure any questions you or they had on your first draft have been answered.
• Meet with the photographer. Discuss specific shots, and walk through the locations to note spots that appeal to you. Freed up camera card and charged batteries. Called friend with decent camera and presumed talent to give him official task to take photos. Made sure some other people brought decent cameras as well.
• Review the playlist with the band or deejay.
• Send out the invitations. The rule of thumb: Mail invitations six to eight weeks before the ceremony, setting the RSVP cutoff at three weeks after the postmark date.
• Submit a newspaper wedding announcement. The mayor's newsletter had an automatic listing.
• Enjoy a bachelorette party.

One Months Day Before

• Enter RSVPs into your guest-list database. Phone people who have not yet responded. 
• Mail the rehearsal-dinner invitations.

• Visit the dressmaker for (with luck!) your last dress fitting. For peace of mind, you may want to schedule a fitting the week of your wedding.  Meeting with seamstress at 10 pm.
• Stock the bar. Now that you have a firm head count you can order accordingly.
• Send out as many final payments as you can. 
• Confirm times for hair and makeup and all vendors.
• E-mail and print directions for drivers of transport vehicles. This gives the chauffeurs ample time to navigate a route.  Double-checked that everyone knew what to type into google maps.
• Assign seating. 
  
• Purchase bridesmaids’ gifts. You’ll present them at the rehearsal dinner. There are all these gifts floating around that I don't understand…
• Write vows, if necessary.
• Get your hair cut and colored, if desired.

Week Day of the Wedding

• Reconfirm arrival times with vendors.
• Delegate small wedding-day tasks. Choose someone to bustle your dress, someone to carry your things, someone to be in charge of gifts (especially the enveloped sort), someone to hand out tips, and someone to be the point person for each vendor. We delegated the entire reception and it was really worth it!
• Send a timeline to the bridal party. Include every member’s contact information, along with the point people you’ve asked to deal with the vendors, if problems arise. Just out of mild curiosity, what's the "bridal party" and how does it differ from the wedding party?
• Pick up your dress. Or make arrangements for a delivery.
• Check in one last time with the photographer. Supply him or her with a list of moments you want captured on film. 

• Set aside checks for the vendors. And put tips in envelopes to be handed out at the event.
• Book a spa treatment. Make an appointment for a manicure and a pedicure the day before the wedding. You might want to get a stress-relieving massage, too. 
• Send the final guest list to the caterer and all venues hosting your wedding-related events.
• Break in your shoes. Just one reason I hate buying shoes.
• Assemble and distribute the welcome baskets.
• Pack for your honeymoon. 

Was excited and a little nervous about getting married, happy about seeing everyone, thankful that the paperwork and all guests got there safely, and that was not snowing or raining. No worries. Enjoyed ceremony and happy celebrations.

Wedding

One of the strangest things given the craziness of the last month and a half is that currently, it feels like nothing has happened at all. I am sitting the same sub-let apartment I moved into in October, trying to figure out how to manage my daily life while trying to get some serious work done, and waiting for Steve to fly over here. The main differences as far as I can tell right now are a ring on my finger and a very nice, but somewhat surreal memory of getting married and being on a honeymoon, wedged in between less pleasant memories of a frenzy of paperwork, logistics, and short term, high-stress planning, interspersed by panic attacks at the arrival of unexpected complications. There is a LOT I could write about it all. There is material for about ten blog entries in my head, and so far, it has done the obvious thing: put me into paralysis about where to start.

But yesterday, I decided to start somewhere, anywhere. I wrote a text on migration and immigration and how it came to be that there were exactly 12 days between our decision to get married and my father walking me down a short, somewhat improvised aisle. Then I decided not to post it. First and foremost, I don't want to frame my wedding in terms of immigration. We decided to get married because we wanted to get married. Second, currently, Steve and I are waiting for the Austrian authorities to decide on his residence title. I am waiting here, he is waiting in the US. Posting anything related to my feelings, opinions and actions concerning migration and immigration just doesn't feel right. Paranoia ("who KNOWS who will read this and how it could be coming across") and superstition ("don't run even the remotest risk of jinxing anything!") must be common side effects of dealing with immigration stuff. So, today, I decided to focus on what's the most important thing here: we got married!

Take my word for it, we had 12 days, and many worries other than how to make it "the perfect day" or anything like that. Also, let me be more precise here: there were exactly three concrete steps towards marriage that we took before day -11: on day -17, we each obtained one critical document, and on day -16, we got engaged. Everything else, from how to even go about this "getting married" thing, to an emergency super-official translation of Steve's birth certificate, to planning a honeymoon outside the Schengen zone for the week after the wedding, we figured out within those 12 days.

12 days means a range of things, many of them funny and/or a little bizarre. There is just a comical element to walking into a jeweler's store on a Friday evening, staring cluelessly and obviously for the first time ever at a tray of rings, and watching the sales person's face drop when telling them "next Thursday, if possible". Or walking into a hairdresser's shop, pointing at my aging pixie cut, saying: "I am getting married on Saturday, just do something with this." Or, when talking to the registrar, being obviously clueless about pretty much everyting about the ceremnoy ("I think we'll have rings..."), except, oh yes, we will have live music.  (Just in case you are falling off your chair for suspense here: yes, we did get rings. Here they are.)

 

Some aspects of the 12-day timeline were inconvenient/unlucky. For instance, two of my grandparents had recently had surgery, and it was certainly not the optimal time for them to travel. They were also not exactly in a position to stay overnight somewhere other than home on such short notice, and thus all of the grandparents had to leave the reception relatively early. (I am the more grateful they could make it at all!). Both my parents had to change their travel plans. It was also too short notice to devise a feasible travel plan for my little half sister (but also, she was sick that week).

But we also found that there are some real advantages to the short fuse: the expense you incur is naturally limited, nobody who isn't invited can really be offended, you are getting married while still completely psyched about the fact that you just decided to get married, and you just CANNOT obsess over details. We were forced to focus our energy on the things that really matter. Which were, in this exact order: a date before Steve needed to leave the country, all the necessary paperwork being in order and ready by that date, a translator, two witnesses, some guests, some music, rings, and a meal.

After those basics were covered, instead of getting nervous about things not working as planned (as we hear happens with more elaborate weddings), we were feeling giddy about every little thing that worked out, every additional "bonus": getting married in Admont townhall, instead of a random Viennese office building. The 14 guests, all invited by telephone, and a string quartet recruited out of them (ok, technically, 75 % of the string quartet, but it's not like I didn't know the fourth player). An actual reception at a nice place. The fact that the very seamstress who made my traditional Austrian dress (Dirndl) in 2006 was available between Friday evening and Saturday morning to make the necessary adjustments for my 2013 self to still be able to breathe normally in it. Steve's tie, the one and only random tie he had, being red and blue as if picked together with the Dirndl. The pen he found to sign the contract - his brother gave it to him at his wedding. The bridal bouquet of tulips and roses, which I really liked, but had no more control over than calling Admont's only flower shop and saying: "I need a bridal bouquet on Saturday, I am wearing a red-and-blue Dirndl, and I love tulips, can you put some of those into it?" There was also the choice of music at the ceremony, which we were really happy about, but over which we also had very little control: you can hardly be very specific with a non-permanent string quartet that will have a chance to rehearse once, two hours before the event (I just made sure to pre-emptively veto Pachelbel's Canon in D). And, finally, there was the incredible coincidence that next to the Austrian flag, the Admont town hall was flying the Stars and Stripes that day, because Admont happened to be the official fan community of the US ski team in the ski world championship held not too far away. How often have I seen the American flag in Admont (a serious one, not prints on fashion items etc.)? Exactly never ever before. And it's not like that even fully registered at the time, it was more like: "Oh, look, an American flag right next to the Austrian one, neat, let's take some pictures!"

And then, there were the wonderful little and bigger things that people did to make it a perfect day after all. My parents organized the reception at a remote and adorable inn/farm. I feel extremely lucky that the relationship between me and my parents, and also the relationship between my (divorced) parents is of a nature that they can tell me: "We'll organize your wedding reception", and I know it will a) work, b) it will be just perfect, and c) I really won't have to worry about anything. The inn was an old farmhouse with lots of wood, there were friendly cats and dogs sitting around, and the room we stayed in was really cozy. The room we ate in had a vaulted ceiling, the food was simple, locally sourced, and excellent, there were bunches of tulips on every table, and my father delivered a really nice speech. My parents also had each baked one of their amazing tortes as wedding cakes. They weren't white, but who cares, neither was anything else, they were delicious, and that's what matters. And there were all the contributions from other people: My grandmother made a traditional bridal wreath for me. My boss lent me a set of baroque Dirndl jewelry. My father's girlfriend cooked lunch for nine before the ceremony, and one of my friends served a triple-role as translator, cellist and witness. My aunt brought Uhudlersekt (a sparkling wine from her region) for a toast after the ceremony, to which my mother served home-baked hors d'oeuvres, and two friends from town surprised us by throwing rice and flowers as we walked out of the town hall. The most intricate feat was accomplished by Steve's brother: On day -4 he booked a flight from Connecticut to Vienna for day -1. He arrived, with a bag packed for 2 days in Austria and his family vacation in Florida, which he was leaving for after the reception. At 1 a.m., to be precise. Rumor has it that the price for the nocturnal taxi ride from the remote and adorable inn to Vienna International Airport rivaled the expense of the short notice open-jaw transatlantic flight.

Which brings me to the one MAJOR drawback of the 12-day timeline. Steve's brother was the ONLY person from the US who could make it. His wife and children were on their way to that family vacation in Florida. It is one thing to spontaneously re-direct travel for one, quite another for 5. Steve's sister made a serious attempt, but failed at the impossibility of having her passport renewed within less than a week. (Let this be a warning to all of you passport-less Americans! Better get it done! You never know when your brother will get married abroad on short notice!) And most sadly: Steve's parents could not make it. They are wonderful people. I liked them from the moment I met them, and when I first walked into their house, it felt like I was walking into my grandparents' house. Not in the sense that they are very similar to my actual grandparents, but in the sense that, if I could adopt another set of grandparents, it would be them. (Come to think of it, they are my parents-in-law now. Even better!) But, when it comes to traveling overseas on short notice… they are in their late 70's/early 80's and were moving houses that very same week. There was no way. We so wish they could have been there.

Let me get to the last incredible thing that worked out: we simply picked one of the three invited friends and asked him: "Would you mind being our wedding photographer?" We had no idea we picked exactly the right man for the job. He recorded the wedding with my camera, mostly for Steve's parents to look at, and took 300+ photos with his own, the majority of them good. There is all sorts of stuff that can happen when you randomly hand someone the camera. We are thrilled with this outcome!

Failing a church and a large crowd, we just decided to take a walk through town for a procession.

We were contemplating sending this picture overseas and telling everyone that the barn will be our new home....