Heartbroken

If you had asked me what I expected out of playing music in Tucson, back in early 2007, I would have answered: “I am sure I’ll play somewhere somehow, but it’ll probably be on the backburner and I’ll be happy to keep it on life support while I work like horse for my doctorate.”

It turned out VERY differently. My “musical career” (if you want to call it that) did not take a dip, but a climb. In the five sometimes chaotic years in Arizona, music was the one thing that always worked out very well. I played in a wonderful group, the Southern Arizona Symphony Orchestra. Not only did I play, I was fortunate to also lead the viola section and coach sectionals. The repertoire was interesting and challenging, the atmosphere was usually excellent. I felt that I was making the best of my musical education by having plenty of opportunities to pass on what I learned. I also learned a whole lot myself, about playing, about teaching, about contributing to a good thing. Preparing for and playing 5 – 6 concerts a year for a paying audience meant I was part of a regular concert cycle the way professional musicians are, and thus effectively practicing the profession I once trained for. Also, I loved being part of the community. I found wonderful friends there. Some of these friends have been my emotional support through many a rough time. Heck, I found my boyfriend there. I could continue singing the praise of SASO and eludicating the meaning of that particular “musical home” for me, or I could write about how nothing is ever perfect and that SASO had its rough edges, too, but you get the idea. I had a place and it was a good one.

Returning to Vienna unfortunately also meant leaving SASO. I could get into that, too, but that’s a whole other entry. Let me just say: it was very hard.

In past major moves I have run into the following issue: Everything is new, everything, even the smallest mundane task (see “shopping inconvenience”), is challenging, music has never been my breadwinning career, so, typically there were more than enough science-career things to worry about, and all of this would result in music being on the backburner for a little while. In the case of the move to Arizona, it took 6 months and a visit to a counselor for me to remember that I am, at my core, a musician, and that putting the viola aside for an extended period of time is nothing less than forgetting a part of my very identity. “Not this time”, I thought before this move, and started to be proactive. I researched amateur orchestras in Vienna well ahead of time and spread word among my (very small and professional) Viennese musical network. And lo and behold, last week on Tuesday, I sat in the first rehearsal of an amateur orchestra associated with one of the city’s (non-music) universities, and today I got a phone call from another group.

It do not want to write about what I think of this new group after just three rehearsals, not because I don't have any thoughts, but because it's not the point of this entry. The point of this entry is that I am starting to doubt my decision to make finding a new group a high priority item on my list of “things to figure out asap in Vienna”. I have not been able to play in this new group without fighting tears during rehearsal, or bursting into them afterwards. It does not help that we are playing Tchaikovsky’s 4^th symphony, the SASO-sound of which is still in my ear. In all three rehearsals so far, there were quite a few instruments missing, so it was easy for my brain to replace the missing instruments with the sound of the respective SASO players. There are many things I instantly started to miss about SASO, within the first ten minutes of that first rehearsal last week, and today, for the first time, I had a deep feeling of “ok, time to go back to Arizona”. The question “Why on earth have I left SASO behind?” forced itself into my brain, demanding an emotional (rather than rational) answer, and I couldn’t come up with one. I miss having my place and I miss my friends.

I am fully aware that no new group can live up to this at the moment. In a way, I feel like someone out on a date, who is nowhere near getting over the last breakup. Perhaps I am too heartbroken to be playing music right now. I was worried about being punished with insanity if I don’t play, but now I am worried about being punished with insanity if I have a major crying fit after every rehearsal. Should I give it a break? Then again, it still holds that I am a musician and need to play, SASO or not. I have to set myself up somewhere somehow, and in this city with its giant music scene, it might take a little longer, so perhaps I should just suck it up and plough ahead...